Catching Twilight
by 2drinksfiction
Summary: AU! Katniss and the gang attend high school with Bella and Edward. Peeta is gay, which is awesome. Johanna and Katniss are on the softball team together… you know what that means! Mean Girls, Doctor Who, and Harry Potter characters are thrown in the mix just for a little fun as well.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Sextual Tension Starfish

Katniss and Peeta pulled into the parking lot of Humboldt High School. The school was situated in the middle of the small town called Panforks. It was nestled among the redwood trees in beautiful Humboldt County California. Peeta turned to Katniss and said sternly, « Don't screw this up for me. » Katniss rolled her eyes. She unbuckled her seatbelt and rearranged her green softball jersey.

« Like I'm going to announce to the world that my _boyfriend_ is gay! Come on! » Katniss looked at Peeta like he was the biggest numbskull she'd ever seen. Talk about a dumb blonde. Nevertheless she gave him a reassuring pat on the back and exited his plum colored VW Jetta and pulled her backpack out of the backseat. There was glitter all over the back of the car. She didn't want to know. Peeta walked around and awkwardly placed his hand in hers and together, they walked to the main campus.

When they reached Peeta's locker, a petite girl with jet black hair and clothed in the same jersey as Katniss stalked over, the crimson highlights in her hair reflecting the morning sunlight. « What's up, brainless? » Johanna's comment was directed toward Katniss.

« Nice wig, Johanna, what's it made out of? » Peeta asked.

« Your mom's chest hair, » retorted Johanna with a wink. Katniss put her hands on each of their shoulders.

Annoyed by her friends' banter, Katniss said, « Simmer down, you two! It's not even first period yet and I've barely woken up. » The three friends laughed and waited for the main event: when Edward and Bella would arrive at school.

Johanna scanned the halls for some fresh meat, when her eyes rested upon Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. « There's the fairy prince and his evil queen, » Johanna said, pointing to the couple. Peeta shot her a look of death.

« He's not a fairy! He's a beautiful human being! » Peeta quickly collected himself after his outburst. Maybe he shouldn't have been worrying so much about Katniss outing him after all. He was doing a pretty good job of it himself.

« Go paint a rock, bread boy. Isn't that your lame-ass hobby? » Just then Johanna decided that Edward, skin as pasty as the walls, yet still so painfully handsome that he looked as if he was made from chiseled marble, should be her first victim of the day. He was with his sickly stick of a girlfriend, Bella. Bella and Edward were staring lovingly into each other's eyes, filling Johanna with disgust. Johanna stormed off, ready to ruin someone's day. Sometimes, her rage boiled up inside of her like gummy bears on a redneck's dashboard in the middle of the Arizona desert. Johanna walked through the hallway, leaving a torrent of terrified freshmen in her wake. She walked right in between the two lovebirds and with one flip of her arms, their books went flying into the air. « Sorry, not sorry, » she called as she walked off toward her Physics class.

Bella pouted as she stared at her books strewn all over the floor. « Do… something! » She whined at her boyfriend who was busy picking up their belongings. « She's… mean. » Bella always drew out her words like this. It was almost as if her brain worked at a slower speed than others. Edward peered up at her from the floor with a hurt expression.

« You know I can't do anything about it, Bella. I can't expose myself to the school, » Edward replied.

« Well, that _bitch_ doesn't seem to have any problem exposing herself! Remember that one time when she stripped down in the elevator at the mall!? Come on! She can't…. keep doing this…to me, » Bella sputtered out with a pained expression.

« Why do you always bring that up? It's like it's always on your mind! I'll find some way to get back at her. Don't worry… » The two walked to class in silence. Each lost in their angsty teenage thoughts.

ENDNOTE: "chest hair" quote is from Mean Girls.


	2. Chapter 2

**Catching Twilight **

Chapter 2: The Plot Thickens

Janice Ian walked into her Pre-Calculus class and looked for the most desirable place to take a seat. She chose a seat just far enough from the teacher so she could text without interruption and she wouldn't be subjected to the masterful odors of Phil the farter. Shortly after she sat down, Damien joined her, saying, « Oh look, here come the beards. »

Sure enough, Katniss and Peeta walked in, holding hands like sexually band geeks on their first date. The two sat down behind Janice and Damien and Peeta whispered to Katniss, « They're doing the same thing we're doing, right? »

At that, Janice turned around, « Um, no. Unlike you, he's almost too gay to function. » Peeta turned as white as the bread his mother baked earlier that morning at _Baked_, the town bakery, which doubled as an illegal marijuana edibles dispensery. He turned to Katniss nervously.

Quickly and efficiently, Katniss snapped, « Just because you think you see homosexual undertones in anything you lay your eyes on, doesn't mean it's true about my boyfriend. » She awkwardly rubbed Peeta's back, further convincing Janice and Damien that their whole relationship was a sham.

Damien, pretending to be absolutely horrified at Katniss' insult, fired back with, « I hope you and your softball teammates are very happy together! » He whirled around dramatically and pretended to flip his non-existent bangs out of his eyes. Janice winked at Katniss and turned around, ignoring the two beards for the rest of the period.

Meanwhile in Biology, Johanna was busy not giving a shit about hurting anyone's feelings, including the teacher. « Are your boobs lopsided, or is it your shoulders? » Johanna asked Mrs. Trinket, the Biology teacher trying to help Bella and Edward locate a skin cell in their microscope.

« Manners! » Mrs. Trinket scolded as she resumed helping the overly dramatic power couple.

Johanna rolled her eyes and added, « Hey Bella, are you going to the mall this weekend? I've got something to show you in the elevator, » she said with a wink. Bella turned to her microscope, completely mortified. Was that a flush to her pasty cheeks that Johanna detected? Edward shot her a dirty look, but said nothing. Bella, with the help of Mrs. Trinket, finally located a skin cell in the microscope, so she passed it to her boyfriend to look. « Oh look, the sexless wench finally the skin cell. I found 5 matches on tinder in the time that it took you to do that. Are you sure you're all there? » That was the straw that broke the camel's back for Edward.

In a deep, monotone voice, Edward growled, « Not everyone is _as free with their bodies_ as you are, Jo-ho-anna. » Johanna just smirked, knowing she had the upper hand in the argument. With a suggestive wink toward Edward's girlfriend, Johanna resumed her Biology lab assignment.

By the time lunch rolled around, the whole gang was in a bad mood. Everyone except Damien and Johanna, of course, who had been the source of nearly everyone's angst. Bella and Edward had a particularly bad morning. Edward's eyes had become a deep umber color and he looked starving. Every time someone would walk by or, God forbid, touch him, he would flinch and cover his mouth suspiciously.

Johanna slammed her lunch tray down on the table in front of Peeta and Katniss, « God, what a spaz, » she spat out. « He's so pale, he almost looks vampiric! Who would even go for that kind of a antisocial freakshow? »

« Well, it's not like Bella's much better! I don't think he looks that bad, plus he looks like he hits the gym pretty often…» Peeta exclaimed before catching himself and returning his focus to eating his sausage.

Johanna eyed Peeta suspiciously and Katniss just slapped her forehead saying, « Dude. Really? » Katniss glared at both of her friends and suggested, « Why don't you guys just break them up already? I can tell you'd both reap the benefits of that! »

« Not a bad idea, brainless. » Johanna said while looking to Peeta to see if he was in on this little experiment. « But how can we break up little Ross and Rachel over there? »

Peeta contemplated for a moment before saying, « I got it. » He scribbled a list onto his napkin before showing it to the girls.

1. Edward Cullen: get him to dump Bella

bod: fatten them both up

3. . Army of Skanks: getting Edward's brother and sisters to hate Bella

Peeta looked at Johanna and he knew that she was the right girl for the job. « Johanna, you're going to have to be the one to infiltrate their group. »

Katniss interjected, « But they know how much she hates them! »

« Yes, but that's why I'm perfect for the job. They will think I'm trying to make it up to them, but I'm really just there to ruin their lives, » Johanna explained with a mischievous grin. « When do we start? »

Peeta gestured to Bella and Edward. Edward was choking down his sausage with obvious disgust and Bella was just moving food around on her tray, pretending to eat. « Allons-y! » Peeta said, his eyes pouring into Johanna's. « Make it count. »


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Something Landing

Johanna was in the middle of her _1 PM spliff ditch, _which is what she affectionately called the bathroom break she took in the middle of 6th period French class with Madame LaDouche, when she spotted a blue telephone booth in the middle of the school football field. She put out her joint and wandered over to the mysterious object, wondering what Katniss' mom used in the _organic outdoor superdank mix_ this time. She tried to open the door, but it wouldn't budge. Frustrated, she kicked it and mumbled, « Stupid queens and their obscure art projects. »

Just then, a tall, gangly man in a blue suit, sporting thick black rimmed glasses, a long brown trench coat, and tennis shoes popped out of the police box and exclaimed in a perfectly proper British accent, « Queen? Did you say 'queen'? »

Immediately , a thin blonde ratchet with a horse of an overbite stumbled out asking, « Did we make it to Victorian England? »

Staring at the two strangers before her, she felt the sudden urge to throw an axe into someone's face. « Are you guys late for drama because you are on the wrong side of campus. » Johanna looked at them with utter disdain.

The blonde woman turned to the man and exclaimed, « Oh please! Let's go check it out. Come on, doctor! » Johanna did a complete double take.

« Doctor? » Johanna was extremely confused and far too stoned to do anything but comply with the foreigners' pleas. They reached the drama building, but the door to the auditorium was locked. Despite Johanna's kicking and cursing, the door would not budge. The man, who apparently was a doctor, or at least he was in his trashy girlfriend's role playing game, pulled something out of his pocket. It was a buzzing, silvery wand. Stepping back from the door, Johanna gawked, « I like your style, but your kinks are more suited for this creepy little theater in town than our high school drama class! I mean, are you trying to become a registered sex offender? There are minors behind that door! »

The doctor stared at Johanna with a glint in his eye, « A saucy one! I like that! » And proceeded to hold his contraption to the metal doorknob and caused it to pop open with ease.

Before Johanna could finish her, « What the f—« the doctor pulled her inside the building.

« Allons-y! » He stated, pulling the two women in behind him. As soon as he walked through the door, he saw him. Edward Cullen. The two locked eyes across the room like old friends, or were they enemies?

Peeta picked up on the tension in the room, hoping to God that it wasn't sexual. « Do you know that old guy over there? » Peeta asked, a hint of jealousy in his voice. Edward didn't seem to hear him, his eyes transfixed on the older man on the other side of the room. Peeta repeated his question, more fervently this time. At that, Edward nodded his head. »

« He is just a man from my past.., » Edward trailed off, still staring at the doctor by the door.

« Cedr— Edward! Is that you over there? » The doctor inquired, squinting his bespectacled eyes toward the younger man. « Of course that's you, old sport! You're Capatain Jack's old friend, you dog! What are you doing here? »

Edward laughed nervously, inching his way to the backstage curtains. Peeta watched this display in complete horror. Why was Edward so nervous around that old man and his whoreish companion? Edward turned and ran out of the room.

« Oh no. Perhaps I've said too much, » the doctor lamented as he ran after the boy. Peeta pouted in the corner while the rest of the drama class stared in confusion.

Minerva, the drama teacher, visibly perturbed by the disruption called, « Okay class, I believe we were on page 398; first paragraph, before we were so rudely interrupted! » She shot Peeta an icy stare, clearly blaming him for the ridiculous scene that just played out in the middle of her auditorium.

« Okay, guys, this is my latest piece. I showed it last weekend behind the bars and it went over really well, » Johanna slurred, stumbling onto the stage while pulling down the fly to her pants, eyes bloodshot and jaw slack. Before she could successfully moon the drama class, Peeta tackled the petite troublemaker and hauled her over his shoulder to the backstage area. This was the last time Johanna took Katniss up on her offer of free weed from her mom's apothecary.

Peeta looked longingly down the hallway that Edward and this mysterious man disappeared down moments before.

—

Edward hid in the broom closet, hoping that the closet would provide him a safe refuge from the doctor and his imposing questions about his past. When he heard an all too familiar buzz and saw the door crack open, he knew he would have to come out.

« Come on, old sport, out of the closet with you. » The doctor encouraged, helping the boy to his feet. « I know what you are. »

Edward stared at the older man, challenging the older man, « Say it… out loud. » His eyes like burning embers.

Peeta, who had eventually wandered down the hall in search of his muse, listened from around the corner, totally enraptured by the conversation.

« You switched teams » The doctor said matter of factly, causing Edwards eyes to widen in horror. Meanwhile, Peeta's ears perked up and his eyes sparkled with hope. « I mean, you joined the immortal club, old sport! I heard your clan has opted for vegetarianism. Most admirable of you.»

« Yes, well, Doctor, there are some rogue vampires in the area feeding off of solo hikers. The last thing Panforks needs is a horde of newborn vampires in peak physical condition invading the town. »

The doctore screeched in delight, « Ooh! An adventure! »

At that moment, Rose appeared, « Well, I just recited 'Marc Antony''s speech to a crowd of 15 year olds with no concept of the queen's English! By the way, you know you have a peeping tom 'round the corner, hoping to steal a looksy, right? »

« Stop being such a chav, Rose. It looks like we have a mission! » The doctor exclaimed, grabbing Rose by the hand and sprinting down the hallway. « To the tardis! «

Peeta rounded the corner when he knew Edward was alone. From half way across the hall, Peeta growled, « I know what you are. » Edward zoomed across the hall, as quick as lightning, his alabaster body a sparkly white blur, until he stood, face to face with Peeta, inches from the other boy's mouth. Peeta shrunk back against the wall, crossing his legs, hoping little Peeta wasn't making an appearance.

« Say it. » Edward suggested. « Out loud… » the last part almost coming out as a growl.

Peeta stuttered nervously, « You're g—« Peeta cleared his throat. « A— vampire! »


End file.
